i'm really not a republican, i swear.

im finding that a surprising -- and increasing -- number of things make me angry and confused, not only because of my own prejudices against them, but alarmingly at their seeming reluctance to allow me in. "ok, so what is it?" i ask, preening against the sunlight and watching as my shoulders turn pink. i'm baking slowly and turn over on my insides. i wish i had sunglasses so at least they wouldn't see all of me. inevitably i make some sort of joke -- the only assured way, it seems, that people can relate to me.

"oh, well, it's pretty self-explanatory." she looks at me with her face as wide as a melon and about half as rough, squinting through her goggles. the whole time i'm sitting there, wondering -- straining through my simultaneous interest and inability to comprehend. "it's exactly what it sounds like."

someone else gives me a darting glance. one of those stares that are too brief to really analyze but rich and dirty enough to sting into me. i remember that stare as if it lasted for the morning, hot on my burned face. only now that the sunburn is peeling am i actually able to recover all the strata of scar that the stare left upon me. like a smoke stain.

"i'm really not all that dumb," i remind myself, patting myself on the back for testing with a high IQ. it is quite high actually. my toenails may be too long, and my stomach is starting to hang just slightly over my waistband -- i am getting older -- "but at least i have my smarts."

she doesn't seem to even wonder or give me that benefit. half the time people still think that i'm vapid. by now the sun is being pulled hotly behind the leaves, scalding them and wrinkling them into paper confetti bits or just heating them to a gritty pulp. i'm sitting on something wretched and i can feel it seeping up through my shorts. probably a melting ice cube or a rotten dog shit. nbd. to them i'm clearly either dumb or a republican or both -- god forbid. it really doesn't matter in other people's eyes what i think or what art i make or who i vote for. this thing is bigger than all of us and most of the time it has as much to do with exclusion as it does with acceptance. i don't care what the term means, and clearly if i ask, i don't deserve to find out.