apartment

We have been trying to get this apartment for like a week now and it may actually be happening. the guy hasnt called. our broker seems optimistic.

this morning has taken a long time for the coffee to kick in; i felt like i was sleeping through most of the ride to work. there was a man who got on the train and sat across from me this morning -- probably early forties, business suit, salt and pepper hair -- WEDDING BAND -- who made eyes at me. I sort of half played along (not really my type, but train anonymity is a plus) and it didn't really hit me that we were cruising until he started grabbing his crotch. With his left hand, no less, so he was basically rubbing his cock against his wedding ring. Classy.

I cant really stop thinking about this apartment and at this point can only pray that it's ours. So expensive. too expensive, but so pretty we can't say no.

it's amazing how much money goes into this whole apartment business and how many fees and charges and tips and things all go into it. but money is boring so i probably should stop writing about it.

i had a lovely sweet tender sex dream last night with a nameless man. it was christmas day and i was staying with a large family; it felt more like summer camp than a family -- a bunch of people brought together to celebrate. my roomate (again, summer camp? college?) was this generous, tall, thin blonde boy with a rather unattractive face and we kissed in bed at night and touched eachother's bodies. it almost seemed like we were just flirting -- like he was testing the waters. intrepid, dangerous playing -- trying not to get caught. on christmas morning we woke up in each other's arms and i just started at him, his strange face and his lovely body and felt great but never in love. just happy and content. we got up and dressed in white angel costumes and went to church, large white gospel gowns. i was barefoot and seemed worried about going into church without shoes, but no one seemed to care. we walked through a narrow hallway, up short little steps to a point where i stood a few inches above him and he gazed up at me. he slid his hand up my gown and i realized i also wasn't wearing underwear and i withdrew -- why? i told him to stop and suddenly felt that same way i've felt before -- being hit on and not liking it. it was as if we were playing the whole time and i didn't actually want anything from it, as if loving him just meant for the night and nothing more. he cried and i tried to cry but couldn't. i just stared at his big white odd face with its pock marks and scars and i wanted to leave. we never went to church, but there were photographs of us kissing and fondling all over the starcase -- i had to step past them as i ran away in my big white gown.